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10.19.2012

Trials, Tribulations and Rewards of Motherhood


Motherhood is definitely a lot different than I fantasized.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely wonderful and rewarding but also the hardest thing I have ever done!!! 

The first year of Madison’s life, I pretty much cried on a weekly basis.  Granted, this is a self-diagnosis, but after some research, I think I was suffering from Post Partum Anxiety.  It was absolutely awful.  I was in a constant state of stress…CONSTANT!!  I started getting these terrible ulcers on the side of my mouth.  I went to a doctor and he told me that everyone has the ulcer thing but it’s usually inactive but stress causes it to become active and then proceeded to ask me if I was stressed.  I wanted to smack him upside the head.  Am I stressed??  YES, I’M STRESSED!!!  Let me back up to the beginning:

Going home from the hospital

Madison at 2 weeks - our first date since having her - Really really hard on me!

Madison did a pretty great job of breastfeeding at the hospital.  We come home and it all just fell apart.  Madison cried ALL night and finally fell asleep at 6am.  I knew she was hungry but she just wouldn’t latch on.  I finally gave in and gave her formula and then I just started pumping.  I think that may have contributed to the anxiety.  She would NOT sleep in her bassinet.  The only way we all got sleep was if she slept in our bed.  So for two and half weeks, we co-slept with her until her pediatrician told us to get her out of there.  So at three weeks old, I moved her to her crib and she did fairly well.

Sleeping with mommy and daddy

So peaceful

Obviously not bedtime but sleeping in her crib


Well, I cried and cried and cried.  I mostly cried to my sister.  I don’t know what I would have done without her.  I don’t know how she did it without having an older sister.  She was definitely my rock and answered my phone calls at 6am and 10pm.  She kept me sane and made me feel like I wasn’t a terrible mother and that what I was feeling was normal.  What also made me feel bad was reading all these facebook posts of all my friends who also had babies around the same time and their posts just made it seem like their baby was perfect and their lives were completely enriched and they were on cloud nine.  I remember just wondering what they were doing right and I was doing wrong.  So I started messaging them and asking.  Well, come to find out – it was all a façade.  Their babies weren’t sleeping through the night.  One friend’s dog tried to attack their baby, so her and the baby were sleeping in the living room.  Another told me she slept on the couch while the baby slept on the Bumpy on her lap.  Needless to say, they were also suffering but smiling through it.  I don’t like faking it – it’s just more stress. 

The other terrible thing I was experiencing was just the constant fear that something was going to happen to Madison.  I also was looking up some very sad blogs about people’s babies that have a terminal disease and are dying.  It was just awful.  I cried at home and at work.  I also think I read the blogs because they also helped me appreciate Madison a little more – is that awful?  It was just so hard for me to grasp motherhood.  I always thought it was going to be so natural for me that I was so shocked that I felt like I didn’t have very good maternal instincts.  I also felt like I had lost myself.  I felt sad, tired, moody and depressed which isn’t me at all.  I kind of just shoved it deep down and just tried not to choke on it.  Let me also emphasize…I did NOT have Post Partum Depression.  Madison and I had bonded and she was EVERYTHING to me.  I loved her the very minute she was created and especially the minute they put her in my arms at 5:50pm on 3/28/11.  I never wanted to be away from her.  I would pick her up from school and take her out of the car seat and hold her in my arms for an hour while she slept – still wearing my work clothes.  I really really miss those days.

Madison's first day of daycare

Holding Madison after work


Anyway, about 11 months into this, I called my OBGYN and asked to change birth control because I was also extremely irregular while being on the pill.  They changed my pill and HOLY MOLY, I felt like myself again.  My hormones calmed down, I was a glass full type of gal again and realized that I’m doing the best I can  and there are definitely worst mothers than me that have children.  I’m sure that’s also an awful statement (but the truth).  J

The older Madison gets the easier things seem to be.  Granted, it’s so hard letting go sometimes.  Madison has become so independent that it makes me crave for those midnight feedings and just being able to rock her.  One thing I really regret – I wish I would have napped more often with her on my chest.  The few times I did, it was the most wonderful feeling.

Madison Sleeping-Montage




I miss this so much!!!


Being a mommy is extremely difficult and I have a lot of respect for mothers that are stay-at-home moms because I could NEVER do that.  Work for me is definitely a break from mommy/wife world and I need it to survive.  I still have something that’s just me and helps me have adult conversation and keeps my mind sharp.  Also, I love my job, so that probably helps too.

I remember calling my sister one night while crying and stating that I could never do this again.  She told me that she felt that way also but you end up forgetting all the bad and just remembering the good that you go ahead and have the second because it’s worth it.  I never believed her until now.  I love my job as Madison’s mom and the good days definitely outweigh the bad.  Seriously, she could be screaming for 5 hours and if she hugs and kisses me for 10 minutes, those 5 hours were so worth it. 

However, I have found my first gray hair!!!  I pulled that sucker out!  Have been on the lookout for more but haven’t found any.  Goodness gracious, I’m going to be a silver fox by the age of 35!  I only have one child and already gray hair – can you imagine having two children???

One week into Mommyhood

Madison's first taste of carrots...mmmm

Drooler

Can't believe this was a year ago!!  Time flies...

Daddy's mini-me

Pumpkin Patch 2011

Ear Tube Surgery

The three most important people in my life!!

Madison's first laugh!!!  Still makes me melt inside

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