Trials, Tribulations and Rewards of Motherhood

Motherhood is definitely a lot different than I fantasized.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely wonderful and rewarding but also the hardest thing I have ever done!!! 

The first year of Madison’s life, I pretty much cried on a weekly basis.  Granted, this is a self-diagnosis, but after some research, I think I was suffering from Post Partum Anxiety.  It was absolutely awful.  I was in a constant state of stress…CONSTANT!!  I started getting these terrible ulcers on the side of my mouth.  I went to a doctor and he told me that everyone has the ulcer thing but it’s usually inactive but stress causes it to become active and then proceeded to ask me if I was stressed.  I wanted to smack him upside the head.  Am I stressed??  YES, I’M STRESSED!!!  Let me back up to the beginning:

Going home from the hospital

Madison at 2 weeks - our first date since having her - Really really hard on me!

Madison did a pretty great job of breastfeeding at the hospital.  We come home and it all just fell apart.  Madison cried ALL night and finally fell asleep at 6am.  I knew she was hungry but she just wouldn’t latch on.  I finally gave in and gave her formula and then I just started pumping.  I think that may have contributed to the anxiety.  She would NOT sleep in her bassinet.  The only way we all got sleep was if she slept in our bed.  So for two and half weeks, we co-slept with her until her pediatrician told us to get her out of there.  So at three weeks old, I moved her to her crib and she did fairly well.

Sleeping with mommy and daddy

So peaceful

Obviously not bedtime but sleeping in her crib

Well, I cried and cried and cried.  I mostly cried to my sister.  I don’t know what I would have done without her.  I don’t know how she did it without having an older sister.  She was definitely my rock and answered my phone calls at 6am and 10pm.  She kept me sane and made me feel like I wasn’t a terrible mother and that what I was feeling was normal.  What also made me feel bad was reading all these facebook posts of all my friends who also had babies around the same time and their posts just made it seem like their baby was perfect and their lives were completely enriched and they were on cloud nine.  I remember just wondering what they were doing right and I was doing wrong.  So I started messaging them and asking.  Well, come to find out – it was all a façade.  Their babies weren’t sleeping through the night.  One friend’s dog tried to attack their baby, so her and the baby were sleeping in the living room.  Another told me she slept on the couch while the baby slept on the Bumpy on her lap.  Needless to say, they were also suffering but smiling through it.  I don’t like faking it – it’s just more stress. 

The other terrible thing I was experiencing was just the constant fear that something was going to happen to Madison.  I also was looking up some very sad blogs about people’s babies that have a terminal disease and are dying.  It was just awful.  I cried at home and at work.  I also think I read the blogs because they also helped me appreciate Madison a little more – is that awful?  It was just so hard for me to grasp motherhood.  I always thought it was going to be so natural for me that I was so shocked that I felt like I didn’t have very good maternal instincts.  I also felt like I had lost myself.  I felt sad, tired, moody and depressed which isn’t me at all.  I kind of just shoved it deep down and just tried not to choke on it.  Let me also emphasize…I did NOT have Post Partum Depression.  Madison and I had bonded and she was EVERYTHING to me.  I loved her the very minute she was created and especially the minute they put her in my arms at 5:50pm on 3/28/11.  I never wanted to be away from her.  I would pick her up from school and take her out of the car seat and hold her in my arms for an hour while she slept – still wearing my work clothes.  I really really miss those days.

Madison's first day of daycare

Holding Madison after work

Anyway, about 11 months into this, I called my OBGYN and asked to change birth control because I was also extremely irregular while being on the pill.  They changed my pill and HOLY MOLY, I felt like myself again.  My hormones calmed down, I was a glass full type of gal again and realized that I’m doing the best I can  and there are definitely worst mothers than me that have children.  I’m sure that’s also an awful statement (but the truth).  J

The older Madison gets the easier things seem to be.  Granted, it’s so hard letting go sometimes.  Madison has become so independent that it makes me crave for those midnight feedings and just being able to rock her.  One thing I really regret – I wish I would have napped more often with her on my chest.  The few times I did, it was the most wonderful feeling.

Madison Sleeping-Montage

I miss this so much!!!

Being a mommy is extremely difficult and I have a lot of respect for mothers that are stay-at-home moms because I could NEVER do that.  Work for me is definitely a break from mommy/wife world and I need it to survive.  I still have something that’s just me and helps me have adult conversation and keeps my mind sharp.  Also, I love my job, so that probably helps too.

I remember calling my sister one night while crying and stating that I could never do this again.  She told me that she felt that way also but you end up forgetting all the bad and just remembering the good that you go ahead and have the second because it’s worth it.  I never believed her until now.  I love my job as Madison’s mom and the good days definitely outweigh the bad.  Seriously, she could be screaming for 5 hours and if she hugs and kisses me for 10 minutes, those 5 hours were so worth it. 

However, I have found my first gray hair!!!  I pulled that sucker out!  Have been on the lookout for more but haven’t found any.  Goodness gracious, I’m going to be a silver fox by the age of 35!  I only have one child and already gray hair – can you imagine having two children???

One week into Mommyhood

Madison's first taste of carrots...mmmm

Drooler

Can't believe this was a year ago!!  Time flies...

Daddy's mini-me

Pumpkin Patch 2011

Ear Tube Surgery

The three most important people in my life!!

Madison's first laugh!!!  Still makes me melt inside

My Life These Past Weeks

Lots of pictures and videos of our past two weekend adventures.

Two Saturdays ago was probably one of my favorite days with Madison.  We didn’t do much at all.  Just hung around the house and played together and it was just wonderful.  No tantrums, just smiles, giggles and laughs.  Earlier in the week, I had commented to Trey’s mom that I was kind of wanting a break because all of her temper tantrums were starting to get to me, so she offered to keep her Saturday night and I think she really just wanted some bonding time.  Well, Trey called me and asked me what I wanted to do and I took her up on her favor – waking up and able to drink coffee and watch tv in silence?  Yes please!  Trey then proceeds to tell me that we can’t do much though because we have to be home by 6pm for the South Carolina game!!!!  I was not too happy because if I’m just going to be home doing nothing, I would just prefer to keep my sweet baby home.  Trey called me back and offered an early dinner (5:00 pm) and we can get home by 6:30.  So, that’s what we did.  We dropped Madison off and went to eat at Texas de Brazil with all the other senior citizens.  Anywho, here’s my outfit – special thanks to my sister for my cute birthday top!  J

 Date night!!!

Sunday, after picking Madison up, we headed to the Pottery Barn outlet to look at activity tables for Madison.  We also just bought her a monogrammed chair from Pottery Barn online – that should be getting here today!  Pics posted later.  Anyway, went to the outlet and no such luck on activity tables but we did find a super cute rocking chair – Madison was more than happy to test it out.

Shopping wore her out!!

One of our usual outings during the week is the watering of my mums.  After diner, Madison and I get a big cup and fill it up with water and water my mums and then Madison proceeds to take the cup and lets me put in a drop of water and then she walks over to the garden bed and waters the weeds.  Haha  She loves this and it gets her outside.  Trey usually comes with us but there are times where he’ll be coming home when we’re already watering the weeds.  Madison usually points to the car and excitedly says “Daddy!”  Then she runs to Trey as he gets out of his car.  I’m sure it’s a great feeling to be greeted that way by your little one.

On our way to fill our cup up with water

Getting water

On our way to pour the water on the garden bed

DADDY!!!

Oh Daddy, welcome home!

This past weekend we went to the Pumpkin Patch.  Madison had a blast.  She was completely fascinated by the chickens.  Not sure why but we spent most of the petting zoo area just watching and pointing at them.  She saw a horse and a pig and called them a dog.  J  We also went to a pig race – which was super cute!  Then we headed to the actually pumpkin patch and picked out some pumpkins that are more Madison’s size and then a big pumpkin.  Not sure if we’re going to carve them but they’re nice door decoration for now. 

At the Pig Race

CHICKENS!!

Daddy keeping the chickens at a safe distance.  They were just roaming around!

 Blue Raspberry Italian Ice.

I was spooning the ice to her and I wasn't fast enough - so she just took the cup and bite right into the Italian Ice - hence, the extremely blue mouth.

Our pumpkins that we picked from the Patch!

Halloween/Fall Decorations

Our treasures that we got from the Pumpkin Patch

The Mums that we water every night!

When we got home from the pumpkin patch, Madison’s sweet dress was pretty dirty, so I went ahead and took it off.  She went on to want her bloomers AND her diaper off.  She LOVES being naked.  She ran around the house, patted her belly and then proceeded to pee on the carpet.  Trey was not too pleased by that.  I thought it was absolutely hilarious!!  I have a picture but will keep that private.  Once Madison went to sleep, Trey started working on grilling some hot wings.  THEY WERE AMAZING!!!  I meant to take pictures but I just ate them instead – AMAZING!!

Sunday, I went to a camera class to help me use my digital camera.  Came home and Trey’s parents were over and Trey and his dad set up our outside tv system!!  Haven’t used it yet but I’m sure Trey will be grilling out more often before it gets too cold and now he can watch his football at the same time.  Will post pics soon!

Sweet girl just chilling after bath before bed-time.

Journey to Motherhood

Not sure what is going on but I’ve been in a weird mood lately.  It’s probably because it’s that time of the month for me but who knows.  I’ve been feeling reflective and really nostalgic lately.  While it’s fresh on my mind, I wanted to record my journey to motherhood.

Trey and I had always known that we wanted children.  The minute my sister had her two beautiful children and the immediate and deep love I felt for my niece and nephew made me crave for that even deeper love and connection with my own child.  Randomly, I went to Trey and said I think I’m going to stop taking the pills and he was on board.  Granted, I assumed that it would take about 6 months to actually get pregnant.  A little over a month later, Madison was conceived.  Of course I had no idea because I wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon.  I remember Trey and I went to dinner where you get to bring your own wine and we were meeting some friends.  Before our friends got there, I looked at Trey and said that I was late but I was ALWAYS late before I started the pill and that I was probably not pregnant and proceeded to pour myself another glass of wine.  Haha

A few more weeks passed and I started peeing CONSTANTLY and had the sneaking suspicion that I was probably pregnant.  Told Trey and we went and got a pregnancy test.  I peed on the first one and it was positive.  I decided to take a second one (after chugging water) and it was negative.  Trey told me to get another one that just said pregnant or not pregnant instead of the two lines.  So I got the digital one and it said not pregnant.  We were so sad.  Well, I read up on taking these tests and read how you are not supposed to drink water before you take on because it dilutes that hcg level.  The next Saturday morning, without telling Trey, I peed on the stick and it said PREGNANT.  I was in shock!  Of course, I immediately call my sister (still get crap about the fact that my sister knew before Trey) and told her and she was so excited.  She noticed my lack of enthusiasm and I told her because I was just shocked – literally shocked.  I had been off birth control for only 2 months!!  Then I got to go wake Trey up at 7 in the morning (which seems so late these days) and he was soooo happy and gave me a big hug.  I made an appointment with my OB for Monday to confirm and she confirmed it.  Called Trey with the news and he came home with a dozen beautiful red roses (that are now sitting in Madison’s room).

I'm PREGNANT!!!

 My beautiful red roses

 The roses in the vase that I painted myself

I had a fairly good and normal pregnancy.  Definitely had scares but scares that were normal.  My first trimester I felt sick but I was able to function.  Got physically sick when I tried to brush my tongue, so I didn’t brush my tongue for awhile (yeah, I grossed myself out).  Then at 18 weeks I went in for a blood test.  The nurse that I saw was brand new.  She takes me in the room and says she needs to draw some blood.  I didn’t think anything of it.  She pokes me, does get the vein and then starts moving the needle inside to try and poke it while I start whining.  She then says I might have to go to a clinic because she can’t get the vein.  The main nurse comes in, closes the door and apologizes for the incompetent nurse (that was the last time I saw that nurse at the dr.’s office – I’m assuming she got canned).  Anyway, the head nurse gets the blood and then asks if the other nurse explained what the blood was for.  Of course she hadn’t.  She goes on to tell me it’s for the Quad Test which tests for birth defects.  I had initially decided to not do it but since they already took my blood, I figured I would go for it.  A week later, on a Friday, I get the phone call that told me I had tested positive for Downs Syndrome and that I wouldn’t be able to get the 4D Ultrasound until Tuesday!!!  It was absolutely awful!!  Trey and I worried and cried and researched.  We felt a bit better after the research because we read that these tests are just a numbers game.  They could have my due date off by a couple days and that could contribute to a positive reading.  Anyway, we got the ultrasound and it was absolutely the most terrifying and amazing experience.  It was an hour long ultrasound but we saw EVERYTHING!  The nurse measured every body part (toes, legs, fingers, arms, head, back) and there was not one DS marker.  We also found out that Madison was a girl!  We decided not to do the amniocentesis because that can cause a miscarriage and I would love Madison no matter how she came out.  The rest of the pregnancy carried on just fine.  Had the usually symptoms…peeing at night, every night, the pain in my pelvis, the waddling and the extreme hunger (especially the last 3 weeks)!  I remember looking the mirror and just thinking that my stomach was MASSIVE!!  However, I only gained a total of 30 pounds and the doctor said I was probably going to have an average sized baby.

At Disney - 2nd Trimester - Madison had a BLAST!  :)

A picture from my hour long 4D ultrasound

My cupcakes telling everyone that she was a she!  

March 28, 2011.  Trey, my mom and I got to Baptist Memorial at 6:30.  I was already 3 centimeters dilated and completely effaced.  The nurse actually told me that I was already having contractions.  Anyway, they started the inducement process at 7:30 and the waiting game started.  It was boring just sitting with Trey and my mom.  Then my sister came and I was SOOO happy!  Then my best friend, Lauren, also came and helped pass the time with me.  The nurse had told me earlier that I should probably wait to feel some contractions before getting the epidural so I knew what the discomfort felt like for when the delivery happened.  So I waited for them to come and OH, did they come.  It was AWFUL!!!  I felt so bad but Trey was trying to be so sweet and was rubbing my stomach in an effort to comfort me and I just screamed at him that that was NOT making me feel better.  I saw my sister’s eyes open wide and I knew that I had gone a little crazy.  The doctor finally came and I got my epidural and it was AMAZING!!  I can’t believe how fast it worked.  So we waited some more.  Trey’s whole family ended up showing up at the hospital.  Supposedly they took up the whole waiting room.  J  Finally, at 4:45 my OB kicks everyone out of the room, checks me, tells me we’re going to do a practice push (the whole time Trey is playing Plants vs. Zombies on the iPad) and after two practice pushes, it’s game time.  Trey throws the iPad down, runs to my side and I push for about an hour.  I pushed with everything I had and she just wouldn’t come out!  Things got snipped, pulled and prodded and Madison entered the world at 5:48, weighing in at 9.2 lbs.  They put her on my chest and the first thing that ran through my head was “does she have downs?”  I HATE that that was my first thought – damn you Quad test!  However, she was absolutely beautiful and perfect and so darn chunky!  They took her from me and cleaned and swaddled her.  While they were doing this, I heard water running and I asked if that was Madison peeing.  The dr. matter-of-factly told me no, that it was me bleeding.  For the next hour, the dr. worked on me because my uterus was exhausted and wouldn’t clamp down on the bleeding and I was bleeding out.  After an hour, everything was fine.  I was completely wiped out and drugged up and had to be checked to see if I would need a blood transfusion (I didn’t – thank goodness).  Trey was amazing in the room.  Very sweet and supportive.  Went through the whole labor like a champ.  However, when the dr. was working on me, the nurse asked Trey if he wanted to hold Madison and he asked me if I wanted him to stay or go with Madison.  I asked him to stay because I was scared and he put his head to my head and I could tell he was having a cold sweat and then he manned up and announced that he was going to faint.  The nurse sat him down on the couch and giving him a sniffing thing that woke him up.  He said he got nervous when he watched the dr. get so frustrated with my uterus.  Anyway – everything turned out just fine. 

My stomach was MASSIVE!!!!

The first time I saw her and fell instantly in love

Oh yeah, 9 lbs 2.4 ounces 

I could have stayed like this forever.  Look at that sweet chunk!!

I stayed in the hospital for two nights and finally went home.  That’s when the real adventure started…

Miss Independent

I've created a monster!!  A few times I allowed Madison to feed herself yogurt.  Yogurt seems fairly easy because it usually sticks to the spoon and I'd say about 85% actually ends up in her mouth.  Well, one night I decided to let her eat her macaroni and cheese by herself.  Oh goodness.  She used her spoon at first and realized that it just wasn't doing the job and held the spoon in one hand and used her other hand to feed herself the macaroni.  She was soooo cute!!!

WELL, now she won't LET me feed her.  It's no causing some major food tantrums.  One morning Trey had to leave the house early because he had to drive down to Jackson, MS for work...so I was left alone with Madison and two dogs.  The morning started out horribly.  I made Madison her regular oatmeal and yogurt and obviously wasn't what she wanted.  She wouldn't let me feed her and she wasn't feeding herself - she just sat there screaming.  So I put her down and she continued to scream.  I couldn't deal with the dogs, so I threw them outside.  About 10 minutes or so, I brought the oatmeal and yogurt to the coffee table and she proceeded to eat it there.  It was awful.  I made Trey pick Madison up on his way back from Jackson thinking that I could get a break and let him deal with dinner.  Well I walk into the most horrific tantrum that I've ever experienced.  Trey was just standing there watching her while she was just screaming refusing to eat dinner.  Trey and I proceeded to walk into our room and just sit down and she screamed walking in and out of our room and 15 minutes later she walked back in and sat in my lap and was done screaming.  However, she wouldn't eat her meal so she ate a food pouch and 4 peanut butter crackers.  The next morning I proceeded with caution and just filled a bowl of dry cereal and she sat on the couch and happily munched on that but dinner kind of went the same way.  She ate cheese, greek yogurt and banana.  Today was a complete turn around.  She fed herself all her yogurt and oatmeal in her chair and ate all her dinner by herself.  Hopefully this attitude sticks around.

This past weekend we took a trip down to New Orleans because my cousin's wedding finally happened!  However, it was storming all weekend.  The wedding was supposed to be outside at City Park and then the reception to take place at my parents house under a white tent outside.  That did not work out - everything was moved to inside my parent's house.  However, it all worked out.  It was so much fun!  Also, Madison wasn't having everyone trying to pick her up and would only go to my mom until someone special finally showed up - AUNT ERIKA!!  It made me so happy to see this happen: My sister just put her arms out to see if Madison would go to her (truthfully, I didn't think she would go because she wouldn't go to anyone) and Madison just went right to her!!  Anyway - we all had fun together and I miss everyone already!  Here are some pics of the wedding.

Side note: we had yummy Parkway Tavern po-boys this past weekend.  I always order the roast beef because it's absolutely delicious!  Trey always gets the shrimp po-boy.  Madison had already eaten her lunch because she always comes sniffing around whenever someone else is eating.  Anyway...she wanted nothing to do with my roast beef but the shrimp, on the other hand, she just gobbled up!  I was such a proud New Orleans momma.  YAY, my child loves seafood!  She also enjoyed some beignets with her cousins.

We left New Orleans to go back to Memphis right afterwards and this was Madison within 15 minutes of the drive...I think she had way too much fun at the wedding!

Last random note - Trey grilled a whole chicken on the Green Egg - BEST THING EVER!!!

Signing off - It's 9:45, my dog is snoring next to me and I want to watch Grey's Anatomy before I go to sleep.

GOODNIGHT!!!